One of the best parties I ever attended

That night I learned about hygge, how to make clear ice cubes and the potential for authentic connection when we can let go of our social masks or trying to prove ourselves.

The only person I knew was the one who brought me to the party. By the time I left, I had many wonderful interactions, created lasting memories and made a few real friends (did I mention it was super fun, too!?). This was at a “bad taste” party in Copenhagen, Denmark almost eighteen years ago.
I have heard that because Danes tend to form tight-knit friendship groups, it can be hard for an outsider to gain acceptance. That was not my experience. In our mismatched bad taste outfits, we all looked so ridiculous that it was impossible to take ourselves seriously. It broke the ice so to speak and we were free to be who we really were. No pretensions. Nobody dressed to impress. And that’s where the magic started.

 [Don’t get me wrong — I love clothes and come from a family that has generations of designers and dressmakers. For some people, clothing and fashion can be an exciting form of self-expression, creativity and identity.]

The social mask is not just about how we dress. It’s how we behave and interface with the world.

The internet and social media support the proliferation of persona and projections. They are not all bad and develop as a protection from the outside world. However, we may confuse our identity with who we really are or get locked into a way of being that limits authentic connections.

I am interested in helping women to have more fulfilling lives that are in alignment with their true selves. We do this by bringing more awareness and flexibility to the roles we inhabit.

I learned how to help women feel safe enough to let go of social masks and conventions when supporting them to birth their babies as a doula. Labor tends to go more smoothly when we can get real and raw by letting go of self-consciousness. It’s certainly a process and the hormones help but there is nothing more intimate and vulnerable.

It’s not just in birthing a baby that the energy and costs of maintaining our social mask, being who others think we should be or different from how we really are becomes exhausting and make us unhappy.

Please Note: There is such thing as appropriateness and it’s often not a good idea to let it all hang out indiscriminately. That is not what authenticity or living from your truth is about.

So, what is your social mask protecting you from?

How might it be holding you back?

Who do you get to be without your social mask, when you are not trying to please or impress anyone else? 

What else becomes possible? 

Two practices for more authenticity (and fun): 

1. Notice where you are overly identified with your social mask/persona and begin to find ways to release it, allowing your beautiful, authentic self to shine through. Again, this is not about finding excuses to be inappropriate or becoming excessively vulnerable. It’s about speaking your highest truth, setting boundaries and acting in alignment with your values.
2. Play! Try on different social masks or find safe environments where you can act out or date another aspect of yourself.

If neither of these appeal to you just yet, I recommend throwing a “bad taste” party, watching some Amy Schumer stand up comedy and/or setting up a coaching session with me here to breakthrough some blocks.

I wrote previously about what living from your truth is not. Here’s what it looks like to embrace your authentic self:

Appreciating your unique gifts, original medicine, native genius.

Feeling your feelings and emotions but not always acting on them.

Listening to the message of fear without letting it hold you back.

Dialoguing with your inner critic without believing it.

Dancing with your shadow, those disowned or buried parts of yourself, to become whole.

Seeing and acknowledging your innate worthiness, essential goodness and best intentions.

Feeding your senses. (You are worthy of dark chocolate, soaks in the tub, scented candles, a beautiful journal, vacation in Mexico…).

Mindfulness. Being here now, whether sitting on a cushion, walking or chopping vegetables..

Self-care practices.

Inhabiting your body, regardless of shape, size, color or abilities. It is your vehicle for experiencing the world.

Honoring natural cycles – feminine cycles, life cycles, seasons and sleep cycles. We are ever changing, like the moon.

Finding enoughness.

Developing and listening to intuition, your inner guide or wise woman.

Taking risks, falling down, getting up, letting the net catch you.

Being human.

Nurturing creativity and forms of self-expression.

Showing up. (Because you belong here, sister!)

Vulnerability.

Being with the unknown and releasing the illusion of safety, especially from conforming to other’s desires and expectations.

Making conscious choices.

Having boundaries. Changing them as needed.

Owning your experience. Letting go of blame.

Forgiveness of yourself and others.

Sacred audacity. Freeing your inner wild woman.

Seeing the higher truth (even when others are blind to it).

Sealing power leaks. Not giving your power away when it depletes you. That can never be sustainable.

Standing in your own power and beauty. Contrary to what we may have been conditioned to believe, this will never diminish the power and beauty of others.

Ready to embrace your authentic self? It’s easier than you think. You don’t even have to dye your hair pink, quit your job, start a blog, go to painting classes, sing on stage, join the peace corps, learn french, break up with your significant other, wear short shorts, give up wine, wake up an hour earlier to meditate, get or remove a tattoo, buy only organic-local-fairtrade, donate to PETA, make a pilgrimage to Tibet (or Jerusalem or Mecca), get another degree, do 108 sun salutations, learn to snowboard, read Dostoyevsky cover to cover, go to massage school, use accounting software, join a walk-a-thon for breast cancer, break out those 70’s platforms, plant a biodynamic medicinal garden, tutor under-served teens, sell your car & bike to work.

As a life coach, I help women embrace their authentic selves and live from their truth. Sometimes, there is confusion about what authenticity and truth mean. The real truth is never mean. For me to be who I really am, there must be space for you to be who you really are. In fact, by embracing my authentic self, there is freedom. This does not make it easy to do in a culture that rewards achievement, acquiring things and appearance above connection. It can take courage, hard work, mistakes and sometimes an ally, mentor or guide to follow this path. However, I know that when I connect authentically, I can be of greater service to the world. I can give and receive sustainably. Here’s what living from your truth does NOT mean:

Blaming other people. Making them wrong.

Manipulating others to get what you want. Controlling other people’s reactions.

Telling everyone your opinion of them, their character, their outfit, their creations – be it praise or shame.

Expecting the world to conform to how you see it.

Blowing off commitments. Flakiness.

Lack of integrity. When your words do not match your actions.

An excuse to do whatever you want.

Getting or taking whatever you want.

Not caring about other people or their feelings.

Superiority – moral or otherwise.

Never saying you are sorry.

Letting it all hang out, indiscriminately.

Violence, stealing or harm against others or yourself.

Abuse of power. Bullying.

Any kind of cruelty.

Letting others or circumstances make the choices for you. Avoiding responsibility for what you do.

Not standing up for yourself or what you believe in (when appropriate).

Underestimating your value and innate worthiness as a human being.

Doing things that go against yourself, your moral code or inner wisdom in exchange for acceptance, belonging, monetary or other gain.

Ignoring your body, feelings and emotions.

Fear and doubt will never show up.

Molding to someone else’s idea of truth, beauty, success. Following another’s path (even if you do it very well).

Not making any mistakes.

Making excuses.

Waiting until tomorrow…

If you would like help discovering what living from your truth looks like, learn more here.

When I was small, I once hit the gear shift while the car was running. My father had made the mistake of stepping out of the car for a moment to pay the meter. The car started to roll and he reached in the open window and used his strength to stop the car from rolling further.

Growing up, I had a recurring dream about rolling downhill alone in a car near where I lived.

Fast forward twenty years. I am driving a rental car in San Francisco a few months before I move there. My new-ish boyfriend (and future husband) is in the passenger seat. We are behind several cars on one of those famous streets, a very steep hill with a four way intersection and stop sign at the top.

I have one foot on the gas and the other on the break. Each time I press forward, there are a few moments of rolling backwards. I remember my childhood dreams and become scared. I tell my boyfriend that he needs to quickly switch with me and take over the driving.

He gently refuses and tells me that I need to do this for myself. At first I am slightly irritated but I know he is right. In fact, I am grateful that he did not take this opportunity from me and that I have his support rather than him trying to rescue me. This experience tells me that I’ve got someone who believes in me and is worth being with.

It’s so easy to step in and save people. To give advice and fix. It takes something more to stay the coursewhile they figure it out for themselves, struggle or make mistakes.

When we love someone, we don’t want them to suffer. The desire to protect is a natural one. There are occasions when it is appropriate to help directly but too many times we cheat someone of an embodied learning experience and feelings of competence, confidence and triumph due to our own discomfort. This can apply to children, women in labor or someone coping with a disability.

The incident in the car with my husband taught me a valuable lesson. It is something that I remember fondly and reminds me of why I chose this man.